This is Why You Don't See Skinny Seals: Tough Mudder 2011

Most of the things I sign up for I have a pretty good idea what I'm getting myself into. And then there are days like Saturday......

People think I'm nuts so they always point these crazy events out to me.. "Here you go, Kev.. The Death Race.. Hahaha.. You could do that.". The Death Race is an event that I almost wanted to do, if for no other reason, they had a great website, "www.youmaydie.com".. The Death Race is at the height of this new trend of "adventure" events where people pay money to have other people abuse them for their own enjoyment. The Death Race is a 24hr event where you have to do stuff like dig a tunnel to China, cut off one of your own arms and battle a wild boar with it until one of you dies. I would have done it, except I've recently decided that I have to get at least 8 hours per night of sleep or I get cranky, and the Death Race wasn't going to allow me to sleep for 8 hours. So I opted for the next one on the list, the Tough Mudder.

The Tough Mudder was brought to me last Fall by Mark Wholey. "Hey Kev, we should put a team in for this.". I thought it was a great idea for two reasons. First, it was a legitimate challenge at what was originally 8 miles up and down the face of Mt Snow with 20 obstacles thrown in the way (turned into 10 miles with 28 obstacles). Other events out there, like the Warrior Dash and the Spartan Race would have been a walk in the park for most of the people at Dynamic and I wanted something that was at least a bit daunting. Secondly, I always try to get people at Dynamic to set specific goals so their training has a focus and purpose. I don't like "Oh, I just want to be fit and lose a couple pounds as a goal". I do like, "I'm going to get through the Tough Mudder even though it scares the living shit out of me!". So I threw it out there as a challenge for people at the gym to set as a goal for 2011. I figured maybe a dozen or so would sign up for it. By mid-Spring we were at 41 team members, the largest team in the event which had 7000 people sign up. Not bad for a small gym in Nashua! The people that come to Dynamic absolutely rock!

Leading up to the weekend, the team was getting together for training events, mostly led by Staci and Beth. As the event got nearer and nearer people were starting to freak out a little. What are you going to wear? What about shoes, should I wear these bloodzilla mocs, or these fuddmuckers? How far do we have to swim? Are they really going to electrocute us? Is there really cow shit in the turd's nest? It was awesome! As somebody who races, I know how worked up one can get leading up to an event, so I was really  psyched to see people getting all nervous. 

Personally, I'm an idiot. I didn't think it would be too bad so I didn't train for it. Plus I was there to do it as part of the team, I wasn't there to do it for time, and I knew I could get through it physically.. Leading up to the Mudder I kept right on going with my regular training on the bike and lifting a couple days a week in the gym. I added sprints once a week. I figured the obstacles would be easy to get through from a physical standpoint. I figured there would be some shock value to freak people out a bit but I don't scare easily so I wasn't real worried about that either. I knew there'd be some cold water. Whatever, I take ice baths for my legs and lower back 4 or 5 times a week after my rides...

Weather turned out to be about as good as we could have hoped for in early May in Vermont. We arrived at Mt Snow and I was expecting a logistical nightmare, but it was possibly the most organized, best run event I have ever been to that had that many competitors. We found the Tragically Fit team and everybody was hanging out, smiling, warm, dry.... Warm..... Dry...... We touched up our face paint, took some pictures and headed off to the start. The guy at the starting line got us completely fired up and sent us off whooping and hollering down the mountain.

First thing we had to deal with was "The Death March" straight up to the top of the mountain. The frenetic pace from the starting line lasted the 100 yards down the mountain, around the corner, and then about 50 feet up. People were already slogging with the hearts beating out of their chest. It was a long grind up. I had decided I was going to hang with Danny Locapo for the race. Danny and I go back about 25 years, he's one of my best friends ever, and I was psyched to be able to do this him. I lost him about 10 minutes into the climb... We re-united at the top and I was determined to do a better job of sticking together after that. 

Only a true friend would paint your nose red for you.

Once over the climb, the mud started coming... And coming.. And coming... And then the water started coming. I think the first water hazard was just getting sprayed with hoses or something annoying, but then we had to crawl through these plastic culverts that descended into this foul smelling muck. By the time you got out the other side of the culvert, there was just enough room to keep your nose out of the water, catch your breath, and then go through another one. It wasn't long after that we got to the "Ballshrinker".. Now, I'm used to having my balls shrunk. Like I said, I've been taking 4 or 5 ice baths a week now so I've been shrinking my balls on a regular basis. My balls were ready for this. The Ballshrinker was a wire traverse through a 35 degree pond that completely submerged your whole body. I was not prepared for this. I couldn't breathe, and it felt like my arms shattered. My balls were fine, they were trained for this. The rest of my body? Not so much. But, whatever, a one minute traverse in 35 degree water wasn't a big deal. Once I get out I'll be fine right? Ummm, no. I wore stuff that really held the water well, and at about 7% bodyfat I was freezing my ass off from this point forward and it only got worse. I couldn't warm up for the life of me, regardless of the effort I would put in on climbs. Teeth chattering, body shaking, looking at people without shirts on or in short sleeves and I couldn't imagine how they were even alive. After another climb or two Danny's knee was really starting to bother him and slow him down, so like any really good friend of 25 years I said, "Sorry, I'm fucking freezing, I gotta go". Brett and Mike came with me and we ended up catching up with another group from the Tragically Fit crew (Kerry, Staci, Beth, Lisa, Nancy, Kim) and stuck with them for most of the rest of the day. I finally started to warmup a little as the sun got stronger and I dried a little and then we got to the "Walk the Plank", a 15 foot drop into one of the snowmaking ponds. But this time I was smart. I took my shirts off so they wouldn't get soaked again. Brilliant! Jumping into the water bare chested hurt like hell, but I don't think it would have been any better with a shirt on, and it really helped to not have my shirts drenched again. 

after walking the plank and swimming in 35deg water with no shirt on, my balls shrunk so far into my body they ended up in my mouth

But it didn't matter for long, we soon got to a gauntlet that you had to pass through where a guy with a high pressure fire hose soaked everybody coming through. I have no idea how the guy lived through the day without somebody beating the crap out of him. Getting towards the end we had to go through more snow, mud and water. I loved the big dunking booths full of ice water and dye. The Tough Mudder crew was there dumping bag after bag of ice into the water. People were coming out of the dyed water with this stained skin the color of deathly pale easter eggs. I got to the final water obstacle (or I thought it was anyways). It was sloped, greased monkey bars over another pool of freezing water. Maybe 24 monkey bars.. 12 up and 12 back down. My fingers weren't working, my body was shaking uncontrollably, and my eyes were glazed over... But you would have had to shoot me dead to get me to fall off the bars and into another pool of water. I made it across.. The rest was blurry.. Berlin Walls, water slides, electric shocks (what a jolt! that felt like I got hit with a plank 3 or 4 times), a half mile epileptic stagger back to the car for a dry change of clothes...

I would've preferred flamethrowers at this point but 10000V will do.

After that it was back to see Michele, Dawn and Sandy come across. I was the one that talked Dawn into signing up. Dawn has been working out with us for about a year now and has completely transformed her life. The Tough Mudder was an incredibly aggressive goal for her and I really encouraged her to do it. After just coming through the course myself, I knew Dawn could do it, but I knew it was going to take absolutely everything she had. I was so thankful that Michele was with her, although to be honest, I was just as worried about her at this point because Michele, cold, and wet are a really, really bad mix.. If there is ever another ice age, Michele will go first, and I will be close behind. I was sitting and watching (and shaking) from the bottom, trying to see if I could see them coming into the water slide above. An hour went by and then another one. It was 6:00. They had been out there for over 6 hours, and I knew with the sun getting lower they had to be absolutely freezing. Then across the way I saw Vince and Jaime get up with their cameras. It had to be them. Michele, Dawn and Sandy came around the hay bales and ran through the electrocution maze. The whole group of them were really pretty overcome with emotion, I might even have had a couple man tears on my cheek. Or maybe it was just thawed ice, I don't know. Others from the Tragically Fit team were running out to hug them and congratulate them. It was really pretty incredible.

I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was to see these three come across :)

The whole thing was amazing. I was talking to Danny after and we decided that it was the stupidest thing we've ever done sober. But I will tell you what, anybody who got through it has a level of mental toughness that others could only dream about. To anybody out there who completed the Tough Mudder, you are definitely a badass in my book. I am honored and thankful to have been a part of the Tragically Fit team, you guys showed grit, tenacity, and unrivaled determination and you should all be incredibly proud of yourselves.